I hijacked a meeting today. I didn’t mean to. I started out trying to keep my thoughts to myself. I started taking notes on what was being said, and then the speaker made the mistake of asking if there were any questions. I couldn’t remain silent any longer.
I was at welfare meeting today as part of my role in Relief Society. The whole RS presidency comes along with all the priesthood leadership, employment specialist, ward mission leader, executive secretary, and bishopric. Normally the procedure is to have each organization head report welfare concerns and brainstorm about possible solutions. Today we had two stake leaders there to talk about the new directives concerning Young Single Adults and Single adults. Their spiel went something like:
The leadership of the church is concerned with the high number of inactive singles. We are going to merge the Young Single Adult and Single Adult reporting, so there aren’t so many meetings to go to. We need to teach the inactives the gospel, as they obviously don’t know it. Even fifty percent of the returned missionaries are going inactive. President Cook spends a good share of his counseling with returned missionaries. We are going to have a new accounting system. [They presented a chart with a dozen boxes of who would report to whom.] If a single adult moves from his home ward, the home ward (where his parents live) will still be responsible. Of course, if the parents aren’t active and the grandparents are the ones who want to keep track of them, it can be the grandparent’s home ward that is responsible. So if someone moves away and is working in Denver, their home ward is responsible for them even if they are thirty. Every year the home ward bishop will have an interview with the single adult. That will be a little tricky to do since they don’t live here, but we suggest the interviews could be held around Christmas, as everybody comes home for Christmas (or perhaps Thanksgiving). There are periodic reports that the bishop will need to fill out. We want them to be home taught and visiting taught and to be home/visiting teachers . You may need to call triples of visiting teaching/home teaching companionships so that even if the inactive young person doesn’t go, home teaching will still get done. Young people are no longer going to be able to go to any ward they want. They must go to the single or college ward associated with their place of residence. If they have moved from home, then they can go to the singles ward associated with that location. We need to track them. When they are drifting from ward to ward, they can’t hold a calling and no one really knows where they are.
They continued along this vein for a good ten minutes. All the while I was taking notes and working on keeping my thoughts to myself. I thought of all the singles I knew and the struggles they have fitting into a regular ward. Then the presenters made their mistake – asking for questions when they didn’t want any.
I raised my hand. My statement (accompanied by tears) went something like this:
The premise is that the young people are falling away because they don’t know the gospel and don’t have a testimony. I know many young people who are falling away for reasons that have nothing to do with a lack of testimony. There is nothing for them in our wards. When every conversation doesn’t begin with, “When are you getting married?” when every lesson, every testimony, every comment doesn’t assume that everyone is in the typical situation – married with children - then things will change. We haven’t included them in our thoughts, why should would be including them in our statistics? I sometimes look at a person in the congregation and listen to the meeting through their ears. It is like no one even realizes they exist. There is nothing for them in our meetings. You talk about all the accounting and who reports to whom, but until the members of the congregation can accept those that are in a different situation than themselves, it is all a waste. Do we know them? They may have depression, learning disabilities, stress, loneliness, same sex attraction – is there a place for them in our congregation? They come home early from their missions and are told, “I don’t see a cast. What are you doing home?” It is communicated, “Unless there is surgery or broken bones, coming home is just a cop out. What a disappointment you are!” I’m not speaking for my own family, but for youth I know through work, children of friends, those I tutor. Steve used to work with fellows with same sex attraction. I loved those guys, but I would look at them and think, “How do you fit into your home wards?” The answer is, “Not at all.” You talk about using them as home teachers, in triplets, but everybody knows home teachers go out in pairs. You are telling them they are worth zero, if they go, there are two others, and if they don’t go, there are two others. How is that communicating that they are accepted in full fellowship? Someone can be thirty, but if they haven't married, they are an "adult" in our eyes? They are still reporting back to their home ward bishop, while children married at 18 are treated as an "adult".
The stake leaders tried to defend their comments by saying that accounting was a necessary first step so that there would be someone to give them a hug and tell them we care. I said, “So you force them to go to a specific ward so the accounting will be easier and we will know exactly what ward they aren’t attending? I’m not seeing it.”
What happened next was pretty amazing. I don’t think I reached our stake visitors, but our RS president started crying saying, “With my son, it isn’t about being married – he has a whole host of issues. It started early – like if you didn’t play basketball, you didn’t fit into young mens. I know it’s better now, there are other things, but if you don’t fit in, it is tough to come.”
Our home preparedness rep started crying. He said, “What you say is exactly correct. I am a fourth generation member of the church. They are devoted and strong. My father was the bishop who sent me on my mission. I had a successful mission, returned home, finished my education, and then went back East for work. I became so disgusted with the antics of a singles ward. (I could go on for hours about that.) I decided I couldn’t hack a singles ward, so I started attending a family ward. I was such an anomaly. They had no idea what to do with me. I was ward mission leader for three months when I went totally inactive for a year and a half. It had nothing to do with my testimony, but everything to do with being accepted.”
About that time, the stake representatives left saying that they really needed to go to another meeting to present their spiel. [I thought, "That totally fits what I'm hearing from you. It is all about schedules and meetings and accounting," but thankfully, I didn't share that.] Our discussion didn’t stop.
Our ward employment specialist spoke up. He said, with tears in his eyes, “It’s all about the good Samaritan. Think about that parable. It’s exactly what we are saying. I’ve moved around a lot. Every time we move into a new home, someone asks, “Are you LDS?” How is that a way to greet someone new in your area?”
Others made comments acknowledging the problem. Before we knew it, the meeting was over and no welfare needs were even discussed, or were they?
3 comments:
wow, so thought provoking. Anyone who has a child or loved one going through "not fitting in" gets it, and those who don't either close their eyes and ears, or live in a bubble. Regular wards make it hard for even regular families to feel like they fit in, from the "assigned" place to sit, so someone new feels they are taking someone's place, to those who have some struggle who feel like they are the ward project. We have good intentions, but no training or social skills on how to bring people in and make them feel loved, regardless. Kacie feels out of the loop in every ward they live in, because they are only there for 6 months. No one wants to call them to anything, many don't even bother to learn their names, and just when you quit having to introduce yourself each week, you move.
That is interesting about Kacie, though familiar. I have had people tell me that while they are renting, they are "second class citizens" - as they are treated like "You're not worth getting to know as you'll just move soon".
After I left welfare meeting, I found I had changed. I talked to a man in the library whose wife was very ill. I noticed the clock behind him telling me I needed to head to sacrament meeting, but I thought, "So I'll walk in late. People are more important than schedules." I found numerous people that don't fit the mold and sat by them. I patted them on the back and let them know I cared. In some cases, I told them I loved them. I stopped worrying about where I was supposed to be, and concentrated on WHAT I was supposed to be.
I've decided I'm going to start re-directing discussions in class to make sure differences in our congregation are noted and cherished.
The bishop made a comment that often people make comments in class about race, same-sex attraction, or being a democrat as though no one in the group is affected by any of those categorizations. I have a good friend with an openly gay son. I KNOW comments made by others hurt her.
From now on, I'm going to be a defender. I'm going to listen for such comments and say something. I'm not much of a commenter, but I'm going to do it.
When all is said and done, I guess the only one we can really change is ourselves.
I loved your analysis, that the only one we can change is ourselves. I think your goals are good, to become a defender. Heaven help those who take you on!
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