Falling off the bridge

Steve has kept pretty busy this summer - 4-wheeling, temple work, mountain biking. This week he drove his 4-wheeler off a bridge. He was evidently trying to avoid a board on one side of the bridge and didn't turn back quick enough. He jumped from the vehicle, only scraping his leg, but his 4-wheeler landed on its side some five feet below. His friends helped him pull it out.

Pretty scary. It could have been so much worse. It really shook him up. I'm not sure how long he'll want to continue going. I know Lou and Jay watch out for him, telling him when to slow down and when to get into low gear. He just doesn't have the judgement he used to have.

A perfect day

With the cold weather we have been having, I decided I needed to get the boat winterized sooner rather than later - even if it meant taking off from work. On Monday night, we drove to the condo and went straight to Cafe Sabor. The food was wonderful, as always. As we drove into the condo parking lot, we noticed our friends, the Ivie's, were at their condo. We went over for a hug and spent an hour visiting.

The next day we met Nate, from Epic Recreation. He both picked up and delivered the boat so we didn't need to back it. We didn't even need to take a car with a trailer hitch. Merlene caught us by the garage and invited us to lunch at t heir condo later.

The weather was amazing for October. We took a bike ride to the golf course. We read for a while, went to lunch, and met Nate so he could return the boat. So slick!

We learned something from Ivie's that made my day. The high density condo development next door to our condo is officially doomed. The company in charge of it is in major debt and won't be allowed to continue. YEAH! It was such a disaster - three and four floor condos, underground parking, shopping, restaurants, pools, tennis - just wall to wall people. Insufficient parking, and no way to accommodate boat trailers. Plus, those with condos on the mountain would use the area's beach front. I was so worried it would become a ghetto. Hopefully, the next buyers will have a better plan for developing the area.

On the way home, the leaves were brilliant. A perfect day.

Cleaning the speech

When we were kids, if we used inappropriate language, Mom would get a bar of soap and "wash our mouths out". I can't remember it ever happening to me, but I have vivid memories of it happening to my older brother. Some things you just don't have to experience for yourself.

Steve must have had similar motives this week. He loaded a batch of darks in the laundry, added the shorts he was wearing, and came upstairs to tell me that he had rescued his chapstick from the washing machine. I said, "Where is your cell phone?" He said, "That is a good question." He went downstairs and came up a few minutes later with a dripping Iphone.

I found several google posts. One said to suck out the water with a vacuum cleaner for 15 minutes each opening. Then to put it in a bowl of rice for 2-7 days. After two days, having little hope, we decided to plug it in. Nothing. We waited a few minutes. Nothing. We left it plugged in, came back twenty minutes later, and IT WORKS!!!! Amazing.

Just Pick One

Chelle came up last night with the girls. Ben had to work today. We went to the Wellsville parade and family reunion, even though we left in a downpour.

The Wellsville parade is a high candy count parade. We got so much candy. When the girls would pick it up, Chelle would have them put it in a bag. They soon learned to bring it to Grandma, who would open it for them.

We visited the carnival. We bought bows and ribbon wands (from Kim's friend, Shannon) and crocheted princess dolls. The girls were really getting into the buying. As we went to a jewelry tent, Savannah pointed to a rainbow colored necklace saying, "Just pick one!!" They will be great shoppers.

We visited the neighbors goats. Such crazy animals. They would stand on their hind legs to eat the leaves off the trees. The kids would feed them and thought that was great.

The girls ate their first corn on the cob. It was a hit.

They loved playing with Abby.

Private Cell Phone Use

We had Ari this weekend while her family went to the lake. She is such an easy baby. The first night she slept 11 hours without a peep. The second night she slept 9.5. She loved stroller rides and jumping on the tramp. She even survived one o'clock church - absolutely loving the nursery.

The funniest thing was when Steve gave Ari his cell phone. She went behind the recliner to play with it. At fifteen months, I think she knows that playing with cool things with others around results in getting the cool toy taken away. So cute.

End of an Era

For years, Sunday dinner meant the Allan's. Early on, it was the two of them. Expectations were high. No casseroles or shortcuts were allowed. Sunday dinner meant meat and potatoes, rolls, dessert, fresh vegetables. I remember the time when I didn't fix rolls. I apologized but explained the weekend had been too hectic to get them made. During the meal, I asked Glen if I could get him anything. He announced, with disgust, "YOU COULD GET ME ROLLS." Too funny. Sunday dinner was an event.

After Glen died, Grandma Allan would drive herself to our house. When that became unsafe, Steve or one of the kids would go to her house fifteen minutes away; she would be waiting in the glider outside. As she got slower and less stable on her feet, we would go inside and walk along side her as she slowly made her way to the front door. For the last eight months, Steve has been unable to drive safely so I was typically the one to make the trek. Forty five minutes to pick her up. Forty five minutes to return her to her home. It has taken real strategy to figure out meals which need minimal effort the last 45 minutes before serving. When I couldn't figure out how to get the meal on the table and pick up grandma, Greg was always willing to make the trip.

This last Sunday, when I went to pick her up, the round trip stretched to well over an hour. She absolutely couldn't take a step without help. She was trying to use the facilities when I arrived and was so unsteady that she had to sit after I slid down each layer. We repeated the process getting her dressed again - her resting after each layer while I pulled and smoothed. I have no idea how she accomplishes the necessary when someone isn't there to deal with the clothing and pads. Getting out of her house and to the car was a MAJOR ordeal, I kept thinking, "Why would she even want to leave her home when it takes this much effort? Certainly food cannot be this important. This is absolutely crazy, as well as unsafe."

As tough as that was, getting up and down our five front porch steps was even worse. With Greg on one side and Steve on the other, they practically lifted her up the stairs. At no time during the hour long saga did she take one step on her own. She couldn't even walk with the walker - but sat on it and was pushed.

Perhaps Sunday dinner will now mean we eat with her at the assisted living. The days of eating at our house are history.

This past week has taken incredible effort. While we were enjoying education week, Bob and Kathy had so much to do. Grandma fell twice (causing them to leave their bed or their work to come to her aid). She had a dentist appointment, a hair appointment (which senior care took care of), an appointment with her doctor, and an extra trip to instacare. All that on top of taking her to dinner, bring in the paper each day, taking out the garbage can, bringing in food, helping her get into bed. Whew! I felt badly that I couldn't help. What is worse is that now that the semester has begun, I am still unavailable to help. I am begging that they put her in assisted living. This is asking too much of the caregivers and is unsafe.

Doubt your doubts rather than doubt your faith

We are here at education week and loving it. Probably my favorite speaker of the day was David Marsh on dealing with doubts in the church. He said that many young single adults are losing their testimonies because of anti-mormon literature posted on the web.

He listed a variety of things that cause doubts to arise:

1. trials that we have diminish us

2. Encounters with new information

3. Educational Pursuits

4. Unsettling interactions with other members or leaders in the church.

He suggested several responses

a. It is ok to experience doubts, but don't let them linger.

b. Fortify your faith in Jesus Christ

c. Seek to resolve doubt through sincere prayer.

d. Clear the ground of rocks so faith is not limited by stumbling blocks

President Uchtdorf: The missionary effort of the Church is founded upon honest investigators asking heartfelt questions. Inquiry is the birthplace of testimony. Some might feel embarrassed or unworthy because they have searching questions regarding the gospel, but they needn’t feel that way. Asking questions isn’t a sign of weakness; it’s a precursor of growth.

Elder Holland: Brothers and sisters, this is a divine work in process, with the manifestations and blessings of it abounding in every direction, so please don’t hyperventilate if from time to time issues arise that need to be examined, understood, and resolved. They do and they will. In this Church, what we know will always trump what we do not know. And remember, in this world, everyone is to walk by faith.

Neal A. Maxwell: Do not underestimate the importance of what you do as articulators. In praising C. S. Lewis, Austin Farrer wrote, "Though argument does not create conviction, lack of it destroys belief. What seems to be proved may not be embraced; but what no one shows that ability to defend is quickly abandoned. Rational argument does not create belief, but it maintains a climate in which belief may flourish."1 I am thankful to those who help to provide the needed "climate."

There are a group of the faithful who are working at giving thoughtful answers to troubling questions. The website fairlds.org is the result.

e. Don't be afraid to believe too much.

f. Express your gratitude. Come to know God.

g. Center your life on Jesus Christ.

h. Increase your knowledge of the truth. Don't be satisfied with superficial knowledge - which is all you have time for in Sunday School.

Boyd K Packer: Put difficult questions in the back of your minds and go about your lives. Ponder and pray quietly and persistently about them.

The church is not trying to hide information, but our understanding of history changes. Remember the Sweetwater rescue? We didn't have the sequence of events quite right.

i. One truth does not contradict another. Living by faith does not relieve us of the obligation of learning for ourselves. You will always find a reasonable answer to anti-mormon literature. Here is the test to apply:

1. Is it a pattern in the scripture

2. Do living prophets teach it?

3. Is it in harmony with current practices and policies?

4. Does the spirit testify of truthfulness?

When people are struggling, one of the worst things you can say is, "Just go pray about it." While praying will help, unless you supply other information, the person feels abandoned.

Opinions that cannot stand up under discussion are not worth holding.

Perseverance

I think we could all take a lesson from Abby. The other night she was begging for me to throw the stick to her. She is very athletic, and often catches it mid-air. When the stick ended up in the neighbor's tree, I thought it was a good time to take a break. I went down to the hammock and started reading my book. Abby kept searching for the stick. She would look up in the tree, circling it. The tree was too tall, but she noticed a low branch on my peach tree. She jumped and landed with a branch of the peach tree. I was not about to reward a peach tree attack, so I wouldn't throw it (or any other stick) to her. As I lay there, she kept bringing me tiny sticks from the yard until I had a small pile.

Later that night, we took her on a walk, using stick fetching as a reason for her to return to us. Near the end of the walk she was running for the stick, grabbing it in her mouth just before she hit the curb. She bled a bit, but was still eager to play fetch. We didn't realized until later that she had punctured the bottom of her mouth. Poor girl.

Since then, I won't throw a stick to her - but have switched to a ball. The other day on our walk, I couldn't find a ball, so we went with nothing to fetch. She found a stick, but I wouldn't throw it to her. She kept dropping it at my feet, but I would walk by saying, "No stick, Abby." On our walk, she found three groups of kids who would throw the stick to her. She was tempted to stay with them, but she did consent to continue the walk with me even though there was no stick throwing.

Ari

We watched Ari while her family went to the lake for the weekend. What a delightful girl. She folded her arms during the prayer, loved stories, and loved the dog. Look at Abby's eyes. She is waiting patiently for us to throw the stick.

Composers at Work

Chelle and the girls were up for the weekend. We had a great time playing with the twins and visiting with Michelle. What a great Mom she is.

Father's Day in the Nursery

The Father's Day gift for nursery was Hamburgers and French Fries made out of cookies, cake, and brownies. For treats the kids ate the "french fries" with a bit of frosting "ketchup" squirted on. Finn would take the tiniest bite, devouring the ketchup and then say, "I need more ketchup". They are such cute kids.

The wise man built his house upon the rocks.

A blessing in my life

A special friend passed away this week.

I have many fond memories of Mary Jane. She was such a blessing in my life. She was always giving and sharing. Many times she would give us treats she had made. Our favorite recipe of all time is her pumpkin bread recipe. I triple the recipe – and bake it in double (the tripled) batches. We always have loaves of pumpkin bread in the freezer. It is a favorite of grandkids as well. You can see it (and others) in our family recipe book. http://digital.cs.usu.edu/~allanv/Vicki/Recipes.html.

In the many years she babysat for us, we had many chats – two young mothers, busy with children and trying to figure out life. I would pick up the kids and we would visit for many minutes each day. She was a happy person who absolutely adored her family. She would do anything for them. She treated my children like her own and was always teaching and training. My children absolutely loved going to her house.

Here is an excerpt from a letter Steve wrote Jan 25, 1982: The woman that is babysitting for us has a girl Kim's age, and they play well together. Kim was so excited for school to start for Vic so she could go over to Julie's house. Almost every day she would ask Vic if she was going to work today so she would be able to go over to Julie's house. Mary Jane is also Kim's primary teacher. I asked her yesterday what she learned at primary, and she told me that she learned "to turn around." The primary gave a presentation yesterday and Mary Jane must have told her to turn around and stop looking at us.

Mary Jane loved holidays. Each Christmas the whole house was decorated. The yard was lit up with such cute things that the Rossi house became a destination for those wanting to experience the Christmas spirit. Mary Jane was a worker! She rarely took a day off. There were times when she got home from the hospital one day and volunteered to tend my kids the next.

Our families were linked in many ways. June 14, 1982: When we got home Saturday shortly after noon, we learned that Marcia's Dad had died suddenly so they made plans to leave for Grand Junction. They left their kids with us for the rest of the afternoon while they got ready to go. Marcia was really upset by the death. Sunday continued to be hectic. Steve had an early morning stake Seventies meeting which he was in charge of, he had to teach the Gospel Essentials class, and he had to give the talk for the baptism of Wayne Rossi. I had visiting taught Wayne's wife, Mary Jane, for two years and she now tends the kids for me so we know the family really well. When Woolley's left, Steve was left without anyone to conduct the baptism. Since he was supposed to talk and also confirm Wayne and now conduct too, he asked me to give the baptismal talk.

December 10, 1983: By about 4:00 p.m. Vicki decided it was time to go to the hospital. We took the kids to Mary Jane's house and went to the hospital. On the way to the hospital, we discussed a boy's name. We thought we ought to be prepared for any eventuality. We decided upon Gregory.

November 1985: I started making a few plans for Hawaii this past week. I thought it was about time to look into the tickets and so it appears that we will leave on the first of January and return on the eleventh. The conference that we will be going to is the eighth to the tenth. I think that we will take Lori and Kim and leave the other three with Mary Jane. That is our thinking for the present time.

May 25, 1986: The next morning, Saturday, was Kim’s baptism. Vic and I went over to the chapel early because I had to get some clothing to wear. Kim had a dress that Vic had made when Kim wanted to be an angel. We got my clothing and then had about 40 minutes to waste until the start of the baptism. We walked around, talked, and really had a nice time. We really had a nice program. Spencer gave a talk on baptism and it was really special. He told that when he was baptized his brother told him to leave his eyes open when he went under the water. His brother didn’t tell him why, but he did it. He said that when he came up out of the water he saw his father standing there glowing. He said it reminded him of being in the presence of Heavenly Father. Then we had the baptism. I only had to baptize Kim once. After the baptism, Mary Jane gave a talk on the Holy Ghost. She also did a good job. At the end of her talk, she had a book, a Book of Remembrance, which she gave to Kim. In the book, her husband, Wayne, had written a special message to Kim. It is very unusual for Wayne to do something like this and so it made it very special. Mary Jane read the message to everyone. Wayne said Kim what a special family she had and what special parents she had. He told Kim that there must be something special that needed to be done in Utah or her parents wouldn’t be going there. Once again, Steve Allan is having a tough time getting hold of his emotions. I'm not sure how much of this I can take. Well, we will get Kim confirmed today in sacrament meeting. She had a very nice baptism and thoroughly enjoyed herself. I think it has been a special time for her and a special time for her parents.

A Magical Place

We made a quick trip to the condo last night to grab the boat. We have it winterized and de-winterized in Hyrum so we needed to grab it, in hopes that Greg can return it to the condo before he leaves for vacation. I can't believe I'm so clueless around boats. I can't even back it, so getting it back into the garage is a major obstacle.

I hadn't realized how much effort it takes to pick up the boat - charging the battery overnight, checking the water level in the battery, reconnecting it, getting the ski bar raised, connecting the boat, putting on the covers. BUT, we did it! I was so impressed.

While we couldn't stay long, we had a great time - eating Papa Murphy's, playing Up-words, going on a walk down the park walkway to the beach, reading books. Our neighbors (from Providence) were there for the weekend. I had Boyd double check our connection of the boat to the car.

There is something absolutely magical about Bear Lake to me. It is one of the most gorgeous places on earth. We just got back from a week in Arizona. People raved about the natural beauty of the resort set in Tucson Arizona. While the cacti were pretty impressive, I kept thinking, "Why would you build a resort here? You so haven't seen Utah."

One Two Three - Whine

I'm experimenting with downloading ebooks from our library. It was working great until, after charging overnight, my Ipad started formating the pages in different font size - odd pages were small font and even pages were big font. Since font size determines the page formatting, there would be parts of pages that were missing. I tried several things, which included killing the browser. Bad idea. Now I can't find any record that I ever downloaded it, nor could I download it again, because SOMEBODY had already checked it out. ARGGG

Not to worry. I just downloaded another book - New Family Traditions. Here is one example I loved. A mother got tired of complaints about the menu and such. When the moaning begins, she simply calls for communal whining so evryone can get it off their chests. She says, "Let's all whine at the sasme time. Here we Go! One, two three ............waaaaaaaaaaaaah! Then everybody laughs and eats her food.

Another example is a "gratefuls and grumbles" session each night. Another family has each child come to the dinner table with one topic of conversation related to current events.

So while I may never know what happened to the Accidental Tourist, as least I have reading material.

The Bystander Effect

Patrica Deyton gave an interesting workshop on the bystander effect. It was thought provoking. A bystander is someone who observes something negative. They may or may not do anything about it. The following contains some of an email I sent to the presenter.

She started with the quote: "In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends." Martin Luther King Jr.

Typical bystander reactions are: (1) diffusion of responsibility (2) Fear (loss of respect, silent disapproval, vulnerability, considered to be over-reacting) (3) uncertainty.

Bystander strategies: (1) inclusion (2) discovery (get more information) (3) cool things down (take a break, use humor) (4) heating things up (I don't feel good about this. That is unacceptable.) (5) body language/signaling (shake head. don't laugh. Say, "When you do X, I feel Y." Get up and leave. Turn away.)

She had us work through various scenarios in small groups. One scenario had to do with a woman and her team of men presenting their plan. After the meeting, one of the clients said, "What now? Normally we go to a strip club." I was at a table where two of the people had actually had the "strip bar" scenario played out and they went. A third said it wouldn't bother her. [One of our earlier speakers talked about poor behavior in the online community and said that they defend themselves with the thinking, "It isn't a problem for me, so it shouldn't be a problem for you." I saw that thinking here.] One followed up with, "But if I was with a younger woman whom it bothered, I hope I would say something." I thought, "But how will you know whether it bothers them or not? If you have gone to strip clubs with the same group the last three times, will you be able to say something on the fourth time." Those that went said it was "huge" for them - as they were seen as one of the guys and got other business sent their way because of going with the flow.

In thinking about it more, I think they are wrong in going just to "not miss out on networking possibilities". It might be better for them, but it is not better. Their going only makes it worse for the next person put in that situation. Based on their participation, the men involved have got to think, "Women don't mind. This is acceptable". I would definitely not have gone - absolutely no question and I would have told them why.

I do think a huge part of the problem is what we call "two player games" in computer science. If you google "prisoner's dilemma", you will find a good discussion on wikipedia. For each combination of events, each player gets a utility. In the strip bar example, the players are two bystanders to a bad situation Here are the cases to consider. We assume speaking up has great risk - or otherwise there is no dilemma. Case 1: the other player speaks out. In this case, there is no reason for me to speak out, because the problem is taken care of. Case 2: the other player will not speak out. Now, I can think, the problem must not be too serious as the other person is doing nothing. Or, the risks are greater than I thought. Or, gee, I don't even have the support of this other person I thought saw it my way. Or, no one can blame me because they didn't do anything either. Or, someone of higher rank should be the one to correct this. All those reactions, make it easier for the person NOT to speak up. The utility for speaking up is seen to be lower than the utility for remaining quiet. We have what is called a dominant strategy. If person A speaks up, person B is "better off" not speaking up. If person A does NOT speak up, person B is still "better off" not speaking up. Not speaking up is "better" in both cases. The message we MUST deliver is this, "If you aren't part of the solution, you are part of the problem."

I am in a department of mainly men. Over the past 26 years, the women in faculty meeting have usually either been instructors or untenured, so they aren't really in a position to make waves. I can't tell you the number of times I have been talked over or ignored, getting no credit until someone else in the room makes the same comment. I can count a few times when someone has come to my defense, but usually, the poor behavior goes without comment. How much it would have meant for others to speak up. Either they don't see the problem or they figure, "Vicki is strong. She can take care of it." I can, but I shouldn't have to be my own bystander. It is sometimes hard to think clearly about the issues because you are so involved. You ask, "Did I do something to warrant this behavior?" You really need someone else to validate your feelings.

The bad behavior isn't just directed at me. Many inappropriate comments are made, and because of the lack taking a stand, have really gotten worse over the years. We just had an untenured woman leave because the department is "toxic for women". Last year, in trying to support a suggestion she made, I was drug into a very negative series of public email interchanges. No one, not even the defended, seemed to realize what had occurred.

While passively protecting the victim is good, saying something to the perpetrator seems important too. In my discussion group, someone condoned their gutless actions (about the strip bar) by saying, "Do you really think you are going to change that person by saying anything? Remember the presentation earlier in the conference about habits and the difficulty of changing them. That person isn't going to change." ARGGG!

Years ago, I was sitting at my son's baseball game. I was just behind the other team's coach and could hear his interaction with his team. When they hit poorly, he would criticize them by saying, "That is a sister swing." After hearing him use that phrase multiple times, I stood up and said, "I find that terminology unacceptable. My daughter plays baseball and her "sister swing" is amazing." I was MAD. I was surprised at the depth of my own anger. The coach was a teacher at my daughter's school, and I called to complain about his sexist comments. The next time we played that team, he apologized. However, the most interesting part for me was the comments of the woman I was sitting by. She said, "You hear that all the time. I don't think he was even aware of what he said. I guess it really isn't a compliment." I'm convinced that when we speak up, we often have more effect on others who see our example, are sensitized to the issues, and become braver because of what we did.

1-9-90

Another thing I learned from the conference is the 1-9-90 rule. It works like this, if you post something to facebook/blog/twitter, 1% of the people do the posting. 9% comment. and the other 90% are lurkers. In some environments, it is more like .01, .09, 99.9. His point was that a small percent of the people affect everyone else.

Another fact, pictures are 8.5 times more engaging than just text.

Changing behaviors

Another interesting talk at NCWIT was by David Neal, a behavioral psychologist. He said that space and memory are tightly bound. This explains why when you go to the garage to get something, you may forget what you went for.

He said that in European countries there is a big difference between various countries and organ donation. Some were near 100% while others were around 12%. In studying it, they learned that all countries had organ donation as an option on the drivers license. The difference was that in the 100% countries, people had to opt out of organ donation where in the 12% countries, people had to opt in. While we would expect people care about organ donation, most just took the default.

In context cued behavior, we do something because of the place, time, or activity. We need to disrupt the sequence.

They did studies with giving people popcorn before a movie. They either gave them fresh, warm popcorn or stale popcorn. They found that people that are habitual popcorn eaters ate it no matter whether it was good or bad popcorn, while non-habitual eaters were selective. They also found that giving people popcorn during a music video decreased the amount of popcorn consumed as popcorn assumption isn't tied mentally to music videos.

For things you don't do often, you can control behavior by simple vigilance or using "if then plans". An if-then plan ties an intention to environmental cues. It could take the form, "When I go to the restaurant, I am only going to look at the salad section."

Things to consciously target: (1)Cues, people, places, times, decisions points. (2) mistaking familiar for preferred (3) Shutting down the information search.

Often, if you are stuck, imagine what someone else would do to solve the problem. Often, getting out of your familiar thought process if helpful.

Growth mindset

I am at NCWIT - a conference for women in computer science. I attended an interesting presentation by Carol Dweck about mindsets. It was so compelling!

She said that people fall into two categories. Those with a fixed mindset believe that intelligence is fixed, an inherent trait. Those with a growth mindset believe that intelligence is something that grows with practice. Alfred Binet was the inventor of the IQ test. He believed that intelligence increases with practice (a plastic brain) and was enraged to see the way the IQ test has been used - to measure a "fixed" trait.

Research has shown that the more someone exercises their brain, the more connections are formed, and the higher the intellect. You must exercise it like a muscle. People who adapt the growth mindset have a huge advantage. Growth mindset people believe that learning is the most important thing. In contrast, those with the fixed mindset believe you should look talented at all costs. They put faith in their ability, not in hard work Those with the growth mindset study more deeply as they are studying to learn, rather than just getting the right answer.

Those in the fixed mindset believe it should come naturally. Effort makes them feel dumb. Those in the growth mindset believe in hard work and effort. We have heard of the 10,000 hours of effort to become good at something. However, this is 10,000 hours of pushing our comfort zone.

Homer Simpson: trying is the first step towards failure.

Those in the fixed mindset view setbacks as something to be hidden. Those in the growth mindset confront difficulties.

As teachers/parents, we should praise EFFORT not intelligence. Praising intelligence puts children in a fixed mindset. It backfires. We give the wrong message about what is valued. Those of the fixed mindset want to do something they are good at. Those of the growth mindset want to be challenged.

When praised for the process, kids want a hard task - as they have nothing to lose. Those in the fixed mindset were upset if they struggled and made mistakes. In fact, those of the fixed mindset were likely (38%) to lie about their score, if they hadn't done well. The more the process of learning was praised, the greater the desire for challenge.

Don't say: You did that so quickly and easily you must be smart.

Do say: You did that so quickly and easily. I'm sorry I wasted your time. Let's do something we can learn from.

Impact of encouragement: you grow your math brain. The more practice the more you learn. You look for a new kind of math problem.

Instead of saying someone failed, say, "You haven't learned that YET." Yet is a powerful word, as it assumes the skill will be mastered.

Examples. I'm not good at ________ YET.

I tried but it didn't work YET.

Don't comfort students who are doing poorly - as that reinforces the fixed mindset. It is writing them off.

It is important to train people to acquire the growth mindset. Her website has some resources for doing so. This is particularly important for people that are part of an underrepresented group. Those in the fixed mindset say, "The talents for this major are fixed and your group doesn't have the skill." Thus, they are more likely to give up at the first hint of problems.

If the message a major puts out is that "This major is about raw talent and genius", they are less likely to attract women and minorities. If they are told the major requires hard work, dedication and learning, it is more appealing to those who are in the minority. Instead of saying minorities under-perform in an area, talk about the reasons - they weren't mentored, had no opportunity, etc.

Fixed mindset managers are less likely to mentor and don't notice improvements.

Growth mindset managers know that effort and learning are a cause of talent.

Look at: http://www.mindsetworks.com/brainology/ It teaches students the growth mindset.

Say things like, "Everyone can improve greatly in this course." The brain changes with learning. Think of someone you thought had low ability and now are at the pinnacle of their profession. It happens all the time.

Those with the fixed mindset "hit a wall" when things get hard. Praise effort not achievement.

The Future is Not a Tote Bag

Now that I drive to and from work by myself, I've taken to listening to audiobooks I get from the library.

My latest is Lots of Candles Plenty of Cake

There are several quotes I really like:

"I was never one of those women who tell you that their spouse is their best friend, that they're always on the same page. I feel like you're ahead of the game if you're even in the same book."

"Control is an illusion; best intentions are the best we can do. I remember imagining that I could chart a course that would take me from one place to another. I thought I had a handle on my future. But the future, it turns out, is not a tote bag."

Happy Mothers Day

Happy Mothers Day to the best mom ever!

Delusional

Lately I've been noticing that a lot of women my age look OLD and FAT. When I told one of our recent hires that I was the same age as the dean, he was incredulous saying I didn't dress like I was that old. I wonder how people my age are supposed to dress?

Anyway, I've decided I really need to lose some weight. I have been walking every day for a few weeks now and have lost ZERO pounds. I have been telling myself this weight just must be my "set point." I just found a great online calorie counter (calorielookup.com) which keeps track of your calories, your weight, and your exercise. I was thinking I'd had a pretty good day - so I decided to enter my foods and exercise. I was doing great until I had to confess to the Aggie ice cream on a sugar cone. It was an ah ha moment.

I wonder how many other things I "think" I'm doing pretty well at.

Normal is a dryer setting

A friend of mine at work confided that her 17 year old daughter may be bipolar. Normally a high achiever, she is flunking out of school. She is depressed and acting out. Such a worry. I have tried to get her in touch with a neighbor in the ward (Kathleen) who has a son who is bipolar (John) and another son who suffers from anxiety. I thought it would be good for the two women to get together.

Kathleen had a book she had loaned to my friend. As I returned it, we ended up taking our evening walk with Kathleen and Roy. Kathleen had several interesting things to say about coping with a bipolar child. She said that anxiety is the most common of mental illnesses (who knew it was considered in the mental illness spectrum?). She said that the average time to diagnose and find proper medications for bipolarity is TEN YEARS. (Their son is 32.) She ended with, "Tell your friend that normal is a setting on the dryer. None of us are really normal. There is no such thing."

Work continues to be anything but normal. Lots of words occur to me, but normal is not one of them.

Grandma great is certainly not normal. Bob stopped by to visit on his way home from work. He offered to warm up a dinner in her fridge. She told him he must go buy her dinner or she would starve. Definitely not normal.

Several of our neighbors have had children return home to live with them. They are between jobs, saving money for a new house, waiting for their house to sell, or going back to school. One week we had three new family memberships read in - all were children returning to live with their parents. One of my neighbors has a daughter (call her Sue) who has moved back with her husband into her parent's home. They are newly married and young. They have had trouble with cars, and she is pregnant. Currently, Sue's husband works part time while he goes to school, seeking a degree in elementary education. Sue works full time, securing the insurance for the family. How great that her parents can help them out, and that she feels comfortable asking. Sue says she wants desperately to be a full time mom when the baby is born, yet even with two incomes and insurance they need to live with her parents. I see lots of stress in their future.

We went to a wedding reception with our good friend Jay (his wife was to the young women's broadcast with a granddaughter). While he has been plagued by severe pain in recent years, now his pancreas has given out (requiring him to take three enzyme pills with every meal/snack) and his heart is malfunctioning. Constant pain, doctor's appointments, and medications are his new normal.

I went out to lunch twice last week with friends from our old Relief Society presidency. Both have had stress with a child. One said, "I have lowered my expectations. If my son isn't suicidal, I count it as a good week."

Normal is a dryer setting. Most of us are just doing the best we can. Life is perfect for none of us.

New Phone?

As I was leaving one class in the business building, and dashing to another in Old Main, I pulled my cell phone out of my pocket to give Grandma Great a call. The phone made an odd sound I've never heard before. I actually wasn't sure it was even my phone, but I looked around and couldn't see anything else that could make that noise. As I walked, I kept hearing the same noise - diddle diddle diddle. I kept looking at my phone, thinking maybe it was time to trade up to an iPhone. I called Steve to see if it kept making the noise while I talked. It did, but he couldn't hear it. Since I was going to class, I decided I should just turn off my phone so it wouldn't be disruptive. The noise didn't go away. I was really confused.

I kept walking and looking at my cellphone for an explanation. The noise continued. Diddle diddle diddle. When I got to class, I handed my phone to one of my students and said, "Can you make this stop? I've turned it off and it is still making noises." After a minute, he said, "It isn't your phone. I'm putting my ear right next to it and it is coming from somewhere else." I had a brief thought that maybe Martians had attached themselves to me, when I looked down and saw I was still wearing the microphone I use to record my lecture. Evidently, the mic is programmed to complain when someone attempts to steal it. Pretty funny!

Failure to Communicate

We have been studying pattern matching in my advanced algorithms class. Pattern matching is just finding a piece of text (the pattern) in a document. We have algorithms for doing that effectively.

The homework question reads:

Given a pattern P and a text T, determine if P is contained within T or if P can be split into two pieces so that the first piece matches the end of T and the second piece matches the first of T. In other words, P is found by wrapping around T. Hint, think elegant (and simple).

One of my Asian students sends me an email: I didn't understand the hint you gave to us for problem 5. "Hint, think elegant (and simple)" Is this an example? in which elegant is a pattern?

So funny!

This rivals my experience a year ago in which a Nigerian student had written (in a paper I was presenting), "This cannot possibly be true". In his mind he was saying, "It possibly is not true". I explained that "cannot possibly" is even stronger than "cannot". It means it is absolutely impossible for it to be true under any circumstances. He argued, "No, the possibly creates doubt." I told him that is not what it means. I STILL don't think he believes me.

My partner in teddy-grahams

On Sunday, they sustained Steve as a nursery worker. It was amazing to see how the kids related to him. He had Hadley just giggling. Finn crawled on his lap and just snuggled in. It is a great calling for Steve as there is no stress, and he is needed.

I keep having people say things to me like, "Whoa. How can you do nursery? I would hate it. I can't sit on the floor. I'm so not good with kids." Or, "I've done that before. I was called for six months, but was ready to be released. It just exhausts me."

Poor strategy. If they don't want the calling, shouldn't they be convincing me how wonderful it is, so I won't want to be released?

I think it is fun. Kids are so amazing. It is easy to make them happy, and you always know where you stand. You can melt tears with a song or a funny face. There is never a dull moment, and you get to visit with other nursery workers. And when they have messy diapers, you get to take them to the DADS. I love it. It's the perfect calling.

Testimony

Tonight was our Relief Society birthday party. Lesa Stevenson (wife of Presiding Bishop Gary Stevenson) spoke to us. Through their calls as mission president, Seventy, and now presiding Bishop, they have still kept a home in our ward.

She recounted the devastating series of earthquakes (over 500) that hit Japan two years ago. They lasted for days. Lesa said, "You were always rocking." The earthquakes generated a tsunami, which swept away nearly 30,000 people and took out the nuclear power plant. She said she was with friends who had come to visit when the first earthquake hit. They were to meet Gary for lunch, when they could see smoke in the distance and their tour boat kept crashing into the dock. Luckily, they found cabs to take them home and were able to contact Gary moments before the entire cellphone network in Japan went dead. There was no communication for sixteen hours. She showed message boards in disaster service centers where people pinned notes saying they were there, where they were going, and who they were looking for.

She showed pictures of the "yellow shirts" worn by LDS volunteers as they cleaned up the wreckage.

Lesa told of Reid Tateoka, the Sendai mission president, who went against protocol and invited every missionary in his district to attend a leadership training in the mission home (high in the mountains). Four times he went to his wife to tell her what he wanted to do. Every time she told him that it wasn't what they had been trained to do - which was to invite only the district leadership. Finally, he said that is what he really felt he should do. The leadership training was March 11th - the very day the earthquakes hit in Sendai. Every missionary was safe.

Lesa told of a mission in Tokyo in which the mission president's wife needed to leave for a medical treatment. Before she left, she felt prompted to bake. She filled up all the freezers. She bought extra supplies. She stored lots of water. Her husband couldn't quite understand why she was doing it. She was gone when the earthquake hit, but because of following her promptings, there was food and supplies for all of the missionaries who descended on the mission home.

A few weeks before the earthquakes, Elder Holland came to tour the mission. As he met with the missionaries, he asked to give them an apostolic blessing. He did so, and it was wonderful, but before he ended, he paused and began again to bless all of the members. Towards the end, he paused again, and blessed all of the people of Japan and the political leaders. While such blessings are not usually, recorded, he gave permission for this one to be recorded and shared. So touching.

Gradeschool Memories

This semester has been an absolute killer. I'm afraid I haven't been a very entertaining partner. In an effort to be slightly more fun, I've been looking for plays for Steve and I to attend. Yesterday we went to "Murder Room" at the lyric. Two and a half hours of British farce was a bit tedious, but one of our (former) YSA ward members was in it, so that made it fun.

We had run a variety of (boring) errands such as shopping at Dillards closeout sale, picking up cheese, getting books at the library - so we arrived at the Lyric somewhat early. There were only two people in the theater, an indication that matinees at the Lyric are not well attended. Patron arrived slowly. Because we had all purchased our tickets online (with 'best ticket in the house' options), we were all clustered close together, even though we could have each had a whole row to ourselves.

I saw an elderly woman in sandalls (with no socks) and her younger partner(a daughter, it turns out) make their way to the seats next to me. I helped them read the seat numbers to locate their seats and hoped they didn't freeze in the chilly theater. The woman looked so familiar, so I asked who she was. Before she uttered the name "Zetta Peterson," I recognized her as the mother of my childhood friend, Lizette. I said, "You are Lizette's mother." She corrected my pronunciation "LEE-zette". None of us ever called her LEE-zette, but evidently her mother was not aware of our pronunciation. Lizette died ten years ago of breast cancer. Her obituary is below.

Lizette and I had been good friends in gradeschool, but never did anything together once our small school class was mixed with others in the valley at Logan Junior High.

I am the first to admit I have a terrible memory. While friends of mine can tell you what they ate at which restaurants on their honeymoon forty years ago, I vaguely remember we did go on a honeymoon. Others can give you a play by play of each pain during delivery. I'm lucky to remember whether it was morning or night when I delivered. If I didn't have a child as proof and a birthday we celebrate every year, even that memory would be dim.

Anyway, for someone having such a terrible memory as myself, I was amazed at the flood of memories that came back as I visited with Lizette's mother.

Peterson's had a huge, stately home on First North and First East, by the old library. It was a classic older home, like one you may expect to see on the set for Gone with the Wind. I have flashes of memories:

Being invited for Sunday dinner (they had chicken) and really not wanting to go. I didn't want to deal with the social expectations of eating with her family, nor having to eat food that was prepared differently than I was accustomed.

Sleepovers and having Lizette read me stories she had been writing.

Playing hide and go seek.

Doing the polka in their living room until we collapsed on the floor.

Walking to the library together. It was Lizette who introduced me to "Nancy Drew mysteries".

Trying on elegant clothes as dress-ups.

Having Lizette show me the "cooking wine" (gasp) her grandmother had in her apartment kitchen. So funny. We both thought having cooking wine was risque.

A carnival themed birthday party where each room was fortune telling or cards.

I remember watching her sister, Leita (the one accompanying her mother at the theater, ten years our senior), get ready for a dance at the college. Lizette told me Leita used a glue to keep her ears from flapping. [Really, why do I remember such things?]

I remember sitting out on the playground at recess having Lizette tell us stories. The group grew until there must have been twenty of us. The story ended with the heroine climbing a wall and looking over the other side. Lizette asked us what we thought she saw. We all gave our ideas. She said our thoughts about what we saw indicated our true beliefs about an after life. She never told us what was on the other side.

It was fun to visit. I told Mrs Peterson that I had such fond memories of her and her home. I told Leita that we had considered her to be the most elegant and exciting of big sisters. I could see I brightened their day, as they did mine.

Here is the picture of our fourth grade class. Lizette is the one with glasses on the top row. Can you find me? Steve got it right on the third try.

Obituary: Lizette Peterson-Homer Dr. Lizette Peterson-Homer, 51, of Columbia, Mo., unexpectedly passed away at University Hospital on Thursday, July 18, 2002. Lizette was born Feb. 24, 1951, in Cedar City, Utah, to Edwin L. and Zetta B. Peterson. She completed her bachelors degree summa cum laude at Utah State University in 1973. She went on to the University of Utah to earn her masters and doctoral degree in clinical psychology. She married Andrew Homer at her parents home in Logan on June 5, 1978. Following her clinical psychology internship at the Salt Lake City Veterans Administration Hospital in 1978, she took a position at the University of Missouri-Columbia where she spent her entire academic career. At the time of her death, she was the Byler Distinguished Professor and the Curators Professor of Psychological Sciences at the University of MissouriColumbia. Prof. Peterson-Homer led a distinguished career as a researcher, scholar, mentor and editor in the fields of clinical and health psychology and was internationally recognized as a leader and innovator in the field of pediatric and child clinical psychology. Her achievements were many and varied and included the award of Curators Professor, the highest professorial rank at the University of Missouri, the Distinguished Scientific Contribution Award from the Clinical Psychology Division of the American Psychological Association, the Society for Pediatric Psychology Significant Research Contribution Award, the Shannon Award from the National Institute of Child Health and Human Development and the Chancellors Award for Outstanding Research and Creativity in the Behavioral and Social Sciences.

She was named a Fellow of the American Psychological Association. She authored four books, 38 book chapters and 145 scientific journal articles and made landmark contributions to improving the quality of the lives of children. She served as the editor of two of the most influential journals in clinical psychology, the Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology and Behavior Therapy and was the founding editor of Cognitive and Behavioral Practice. She was also on the editorial boards of a dozen scholarly journals.

Lizette always described herself as a teacher. She was a highly sought after mentor who supervised 21 masters theses and 33 doctoral dissertations and a popular undergraduate instructor. Lizette loved the outdoors, the mountains and the ocean, hiking, swimming and snorkeling. She enjoyed gardening, cooking, reading mysteries and attending her childrens sporting and school events. Lizette had a strong and beautiful spirit. She cared passionately for her family and her profession. She is survived by her husband, Andrew and son, Geddes, both of Columbia; her daughter, Kestrel of Santa Cruz, Calif.; her mother, Zetta Peterson of Logan; sisters, Leita Peterson of Los Angeles, Calif., and Edwina Cross of Ashland, Ore.; and her brother, Edwin T. Peterson of Vernal, Utah.

Released...

Steve was released on Sunday. His memory issues were causing too much difficulty in conducting and serving in the YSA ward. We were each asked to spend a few minutes bearing our testimony. Here's mine:

From the time I was a little girl, I held missionaries in awe. After we got married and moved to the mission field, we had a steady stream of missionaries in our home. Steve was a Seventy then. I remember thinking, "I am so excited to me a missionary someday." Because of Steve's medical condition, it is painfully obvious that we will never be able to serve a mission. This calling has been such a blessing in my life. It has been the mission I planned on.

When our daughter Kimberly graduated from college, she was in need of a new experience. She had been living at home. Her older sister was leaving to take a job. Her friends were all married. She was between boyfriends. She needed a change. She decided to move out. She picked an apartment without knowing her roommates. I remember praying that her roommates would be amazing. I wanted them to be religious, goal-oriented, out-going, social, fun-loving, supportive. When I met the roommates, I was underwhelmed. My own daughter possessed MUCH more of all those positive attributes than did her roommates. I remember thinking, "What's with that? That is not what I prayed for." The spirit whispered to me, "No, but this is her chance to be an answer to somebody else's prayers." And she was.

I know that many of you don't feel like your prayers are answered in the ways you desire. I have found with prayers that sometimes the answer is "yes". Sometimes it is "no". And sometimes it is, "This is your chance to the be answer to someone else's prayers." May you continue to be the answer to someone else's prayers as you have been to mine.

Food for thought.

For someone, like myself, who has toast and a glass of milk every single morning, I stand in awe at European breakfasts. The hotel put on quite the spread.

There was sausage, hot dogs, and spicy hot dogs. Bacon and salami. Melon, water melon, grapes, and kiwi. Dried fruits such as apricot, plums, and mango. Grilled vegetables. Scrambled eggs, boiled eggs, and Spanish omelet (served cold). Sliced bread, rolls, pastries, muffins. All types of cheeses. Tomatoes. Fresh sliced vegetables, including greens. Yogurt. Cereals. Tomato juice, apple juice, pineapple juice, orange juice, milk.

The food looked and tasted incredible.

After our fifth breakfast, Steve said, "Breakfasts are getting boring. They are always the same."

Since his typical breakfast also consist of milk and toast, I was totally dumbfounded. At the hotel, he had more choices for breakfast than are served in my house in a lifetime. Then, I got to thinking - with all those choices, he had really eaten the same thing every morning - bacon, sausage, eggs, bread, and yogurt.

His boredom with breakfast was of his own making.

How many times do we miss out on what this life has to offer by failing to take advantage of our choices?

It's food for thought.

Things I never knew

This photo of City History Museum (Museu d'Historia de la Ciutat) is courtesy of TripAdvisor
This photo of City History Museum (Museu d'Historia de la Ciutat) is courtesy of TripAdvisor
This photo of City History Museum (Museu d'Historia de la Ciutat) is courtesy of TripAdvisor

This photo of City History Museum (Museu d'Historia de la Ciutat) is courtesy of TripAdvisor

We went to the Museu d Historia de la Ciutat (history of the city). So interesting! There were artifacts from the first to fifth century BC. They showed toothpicks and makeup containers!

They had uncovered part of the city from the first to sixth century AD. Recycling was popular even then. The walls to the city had recycled cornices and parts of statues utilized. They unearthed a laundry as part of the city. They would encourage passers by to urinate in containers outside the laundry, as urine is used for sterilization and to set dye. There was evidence of ash and lye, both used for cleaning.

The city had pools for bathing - warm, cold, and hot. They directed hot air underneath the pools to warm them. The pools were available to all, regardless of status. I'm thinking clean bodies is a benefit to all.

They showed a fish factory. The heads, bones, and intestines were saved to make a delicacy, garum. The fish bodies were salted in big vats for three weeks, with a heavy top layer of salt to keep out the insects.

The top part of the museum was dedicated to newer developments. They had "funeral portraits" which were small busts of the deceased. I think when I die, my family should create a funeral portrait for my headstone, to make up for all the paintings no one ever did of me (See Picasso really could paint). Of course, maybe the grandkids could do a Picasso style picture of me.

We also learned about calico (printed cotton). Who knew it would become such a fashion statement.