The Bystander Effect

Patrica Deyton gave an interesting workshop on the bystander effect. It was thought provoking. A bystander is someone who observes something negative. They may or may not do anything about it. The following contains some of an email I sent to the presenter.

She started with the quote: "In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends." Martin Luther King Jr.

Typical bystander reactions are: (1) diffusion of responsibility (2) Fear (loss of respect, silent disapproval, vulnerability, considered to be over-reacting) (3) uncertainty.

Bystander strategies: (1) inclusion (2) discovery (get more information) (3) cool things down (take a break, use humor) (4) heating things up (I don't feel good about this. That is unacceptable.) (5) body language/signaling (shake head. don't laugh. Say, "When you do X, I feel Y." Get up and leave. Turn away.)

She had us work through various scenarios in small groups. One scenario had to do with a woman and her team of men presenting their plan. After the meeting, one of the clients said, "What now? Normally we go to a strip club." I was at a table where two of the people had actually had the "strip bar" scenario played out and they went. A third said it wouldn't bother her. [One of our earlier speakers talked about poor behavior in the online community and said that they defend themselves with the thinking, "It isn't a problem for me, so it shouldn't be a problem for you." I saw that thinking here.] One followed up with, "But if I was with a younger woman whom it bothered, I hope I would say something." I thought, "But how will you know whether it bothers them or not? If you have gone to strip clubs with the same group the last three times, will you be able to say something on the fourth time." Those that went said it was "huge" for them - as they were seen as one of the guys and got other business sent their way because of going with the flow.

In thinking about it more, I think they are wrong in going just to "not miss out on networking possibilities". It might be better for them, but it is not better. Their going only makes it worse for the next person put in that situation. Based on their participation, the men involved have got to think, "Women don't mind. This is acceptable". I would definitely not have gone - absolutely no question and I would have told them why.

I do think a huge part of the problem is what we call "two player games" in computer science. If you google "prisoner's dilemma", you will find a good discussion on wikipedia. For each combination of events, each player gets a utility. In the strip bar example, the players are two bystanders to a bad situation Here are the cases to consider. We assume speaking up has great risk - or otherwise there is no dilemma. Case 1: the other player speaks out. In this case, there is no reason for me to speak out, because the problem is taken care of. Case 2: the other player will not speak out. Now, I can think, the problem must not be too serious as the other person is doing nothing. Or, the risks are greater than I thought. Or, gee, I don't even have the support of this other person I thought saw it my way. Or, no one can blame me because they didn't do anything either. Or, someone of higher rank should be the one to correct this. All those reactions, make it easier for the person NOT to speak up. The utility for speaking up is seen to be lower than the utility for remaining quiet. We have what is called a dominant strategy. If person A speaks up, person B is "better off" not speaking up. If person A does NOT speak up, person B is still "better off" not speaking up. Not speaking up is "better" in both cases. The message we MUST deliver is this, "If you aren't part of the solution, you are part of the problem."

I am in a department of mainly men. Over the past 26 years, the women in faculty meeting have usually either been instructors or untenured, so they aren't really in a position to make waves. I can't tell you the number of times I have been talked over or ignored, getting no credit until someone else in the room makes the same comment. I can count a few times when someone has come to my defense, but usually, the poor behavior goes without comment. How much it would have meant for others to speak up. Either they don't see the problem or they figure, "Vicki is strong. She can take care of it." I can, but I shouldn't have to be my own bystander. It is sometimes hard to think clearly about the issues because you are so involved. You ask, "Did I do something to warrant this behavior?" You really need someone else to validate your feelings.

The bad behavior isn't just directed at me. Many inappropriate comments are made, and because of the lack taking a stand, have really gotten worse over the years. We just had an untenured woman leave because the department is "toxic for women". Last year, in trying to support a suggestion she made, I was drug into a very negative series of public email interchanges. No one, not even the defended, seemed to realize what had occurred.

While passively protecting the victim is good, saying something to the perpetrator seems important too. In my discussion group, someone condoned their gutless actions (about the strip bar) by saying, "Do you really think you are going to change that person by saying anything? Remember the presentation earlier in the conference about habits and the difficulty of changing them. That person isn't going to change." ARGGG!

Years ago, I was sitting at my son's baseball game. I was just behind the other team's coach and could hear his interaction with his team. When they hit poorly, he would criticize them by saying, "That is a sister swing." After hearing him use that phrase multiple times, I stood up and said, "I find that terminology unacceptable. My daughter plays baseball and her "sister swing" is amazing." I was MAD. I was surprised at the depth of my own anger. The coach was a teacher at my daughter's school, and I called to complain about his sexist comments. The next time we played that team, he apologized. However, the most interesting part for me was the comments of the woman I was sitting by. She said, "You hear that all the time. I don't think he was even aware of what he said. I guess it really isn't a compliment." I'm convinced that when we speak up, we often have more effect on others who see our example, are sensitized to the issues, and become braver because of what we did.