Closed door policy

As some of you know, we have been facing stress because of Grandma's decline and inability to perform "daily acts of living". This has created a host of interesting family dynamics. Everyone who has gone through it, or counseled people through it, tells me this is typical of how families react.

My analytical mind tries to make sense of it all.

One thing that is intensely interesting is the expectations of whose time is demanded.

When I was a young assistant professor, I would leave my door open a lot, to be accessible to students. I found students would interrupt my work to ask, "Can I borrow a stapler?" "Where is the restroom?" It occurred to me that because of my gender, they were confusing me with the secretary, who (in their minds) is infinitely interruptable.

As I got to be better known, the interruptions would still occur. Students from other classes would ask, "Can you help me with my assignment?" I would say, "I know how, but if I answer questions for everyone who wanders by, I will not complete the work I am expected to do. You need to see your instructor." They would say, "I don't want to bother him." or "It isn't his office hours." Other times, they would ask, "Is Dr. X (with an office next door) available?" I would say, "I'm not sure. Try his door." Then, they would respond, "Oh, I don't want to waste his time if it's not convenient." MY time wasn't valued, but his time was. Obviously, this did not go over well. I now keep my door shut, like everybody else does.

I see the same thing happening with care for Grandma. Kathy's time is demanded while others' time is not. Kathy needs to be gone for the week. For months now, Grandma expects Kathy to bring dinner over every night, even though she has leftovers (and plan aheads) in the fridge. Grandma refuses to warm them up. Grandma keeps asking, "How am I supposed to eat this week while Kathy is gone?" Kathy has said, "Well, you will have food in the fridge you can warm up. Plus, Bob is a pretty good cook. If he cooks something, he may bring you some. If he goes out for take-out, he'll call to see if you want something." Her response was, "Oh, I couldn't do that to Bob." She has been 'doing it' to Kathy for years, but she can't do it to Bob? My experience indicates that people think women are here to serve. Evidently it is ten times worse if you are a nurse.

The other thing that is so interesting (in the expectations of who does what)is Grandma's desire to stay in her home. Staying in her home is no picnic. She stresses about yardcare, cleaning, getting to appointments, food. Her mobility is getting bad. She can't get to bridge or other social events without someone to take her and pick her up. She has to rely on others for multiple things throughout the day, from having her paper brought in to delivering her meals. Her ability to get out is severely limited. She never even looks at her yard anymore. I'm convinced that the primary reason she wants to stay in her home is that it is convenient for JaNae and Lynda when they come. She has said repeatedly that they need a place to stay and that they won't visit her if they don't have the benefits of their own space. They need a home away from home and a car. I find it interesting that she doesn't care what heroic efforts it takes from the Cache Valley siblings/spouses, as long as it is more convenient for her daughters.

For months now, Grandma will call Kathy and say, "I'm hungry. I haven't eaten since breakfast. Can you bring me dinner?" She doesn't do that to me. She evidently senses what I would say: "We are having leftovers from Sunday. We sent some home with you. Can you warm them up?"

No wonder Kathy is forced to 'close her door'. It is self preservation.