Helen Henderson is absolutely amazing. She has more hobbies that I can even name - embroidery, vintage costume design and manufacturing, needlepoint, shooting, doll making, cake decorating, carving, gardening, reading - and she teaches special education full time. She doesn't just dabble in various crafts; she is a skilled professional.
Her husband recently retired from Thiokol - a rocket scientist. During the summer, they compete in shoots together, in vintage clothing Helen has made. They sell clothing and bullets that they have made. They set up a huge ten stocked from their (new) huge trailer (with FOUR QUEEN BEDS). She takes her sewing machine, so she can do alternations on the spot.
She is very creative. He's an engineer. Yet they seem so perfectly matched. She doesn't speak of him without her eyes sparkling. He supports her non-stop crafting without complaint. They are inseparable, in their time off.
I asked her what was the secret to such an amazing relationship. I asked, "You make it look so easy, but has it always been such?"
She said, "Well, when we had young kids, Syd used to criticize the way I disciplined the kids. He's very laid back. I've got a German temper. I've never heard Syd's parents raise their voice to each other. I've seen my Mom throw things at my Dad. My Mom and I laughed at Billy Graham's wife, Ruth Bell Graham's comments. She was one asked if she ever considered divorce and responded 'Divorce? No. Murder? Yes, many times.'"
She continued, "But when Syd got his hearing aids, that changed everything. He couldn't hear what precipitated my actions. Once he could hear the bickering, his complaints dissipated.
"For ten years, I fought with depression. I would have 10-15 anxiety attacks each day. That's pretty debilitating. I would have loved to stay home and sleep, but what do you do? I had no extended family that could come to my aid. I had four little kids and a daycare to run. When I discovered costuming (as a student at USU), I learned that finding a creative outlet is key for my sanity. Finally, I got help. Prozac changed everything for me. I've been on it 22 years. Syd supported me through that very rough ten years. He couldn't understand what I was going through, but he knew how to support me.
"When we discovered shooting, that was a great boost to our marriage. If I were to give advice to couples, I'd say, "Find something you like to do together." (The Happiness Project suggests one inside activity and one outside.)
"If each person in the marriage isn't giving 110%, it isn't going to work. You need to be giving, but you also need to help the other person to figure out how to support you. They are not going to be able to read your mind. You need to tell them what you need - help around the house, sharing of childcare, a moratorium on criticism, bagging of self-centered attitude, doing things to make you happy. They can't read your mind. It can't be all you doing the giving. Tell them what you need.
"When I got married, my mother sat me down and explained that marriage was hard. She said the best preparation for marriage was having roommates. If you could get along with six crazy roommates, you can make a go of it with one off-centered man, and they are ALL off-center.
Helen and Syd! My hat is off to you. What a lesson for me. I tend to think others have it easy - but you never know what the "life of ease" has taken to master.
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